Blame turns the brain into a machine focused on defense.
Has anyone ever said to you in so many words, “shame on you!” and you didn’t know why they said it? Have you ever felt falsely accused? Accusations impact relationships and thus create feeds.
Whenever accusations come my way, my mind does its best to make sense of them. My self-worth walks a tight wire at times when I feel offended by others, regardless of which end of the accusation I am on. Blame turns the brain into a machine focused on defense.
Most of us try to get along with other people. Because of that, I may even attempt to appease the offended, talking myself into believing that they are right and I am somehow in the wrong. This sets up a conflict between:
“I just need to accept the wrong about myself that others perceive in me, rather than challenge the accuracy of their judgments and intentions towards me.”
and
“I need to be right and therefore they must be wrong.”
In doing so, I create my own feed, one that negatively affects my self-esteem and my relationship with the world as a whole.
The energy from conflict is a negative resource that others in conflict are attracted to. That attraction is all about a feed. We constantly take in and send out energy, which is the essence of feeding.
Feeding is a cycle based on perceived need rather than choice. When I’m unconscious, it’s easy for me to confuse choice and need.
Negative and positive thoughts produce different results. Typically a slap on the face is different from a pat on the back – same behavior, yet different location, different intention and probably different outcome. Needs depend on addiction to their payoffs. For example, the payoff of justifying is a hoped-for sense of rightness. The addiction has a built in consequence if you fail to fulfill the need. The addiction is therefore self- reenforcing.
Feeling guilty is an ineffective way to create positive change in behavior, whereas awakening to conscious intent can create positive, lasting change.
Shame is a banquet of inadequacy for the desperately not good enough.
When intimidating accusations come your way… before you cave to others perceptions of your intentions, and before you become offended, remind yourself about what it is you really want and release the need to defend yourself against what you assume others may be wanting from you.
Is it time for you to end the ignorant feed?